we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
