PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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