I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
