He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
