How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
