Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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