I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
