Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
