No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
