I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
