shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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