Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
