I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
