I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
