singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
