Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
