Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I think my fart just growled at me.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
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The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
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its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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