i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
