drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
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I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
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