I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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