anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
