I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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