if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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