In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
