I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
