I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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