You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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