goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
