he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Randomize
