omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
