I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
PANTIES FOUND
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
