How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
