i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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