I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
