So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
