this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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