The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
smell my finger.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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