U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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