A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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