What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
