when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Found your dick twin last night
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
