Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
