This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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