He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think I sprained my soul last night
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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