he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
