We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Princesses don't give blow jobs
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
