Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
