sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
