He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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