brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
