Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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