You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
