All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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