you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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