she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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